interstellar90210

[ He knows. But he still needed to be certain. Her weight on his lap makes him a little calmer. Makes his head a little more clear. It's still hard to say it. Still hard to admit. ]

You know those memories. The ones from another place. Another time? You remember what I told you I was? I've been remembering more. From before I was in the ice. I was 16 and there was a child. A baby. [ He frowns darkly. ] A baby that could only be mine. Why else would they be there and be so strong in my memories.

[ For a moment, he even almost looks 16 again. A teenager and terrified. ] I have a kid, Luci. I have a kid and I couldn't even remember them. I abandoned my own child and it's been eight years since then. And I don't even know if they're safe or alive..and if they are, how I can get them back.

[Luci stares at Xanxus. She said she wouldn't laugh or react poorly, but she's really not sure what to do here.]

...Okay, hold on, calm down for a second. [She puts her hands on his shoulders, trying to ground him.] How can you be sure it was your kid? Maybe you were... I don't know, baby sitting? Maybe it was somebody in your family's kid? I mean, you're wild, but you really think you knocked up a girl at 16?

[ Like hell he's calming down. This is a big thing. But she does ground him a little, though that makes him frown. ] Luci, do I really look like someone who would babysit? And I don't think I would remember some random kid. They had to be important to me somehow, right? And I don't think I had kid sisters.

[ He reaches up and runs a hand through his hair in frustration ] I don't know... I... did a lot of wild things when I was 16. It's why I got locked away. So, maybe I did. I don't know but that kid...she seemed to be really trusting of me in my memories of her. So... Maybe she's mine. Maybe she's not. But I just don't know and I have to go with she is. There's an eight year old little girl out there without a dad...and it might be my fault.

[Luci's really not sure how a baby could seem trusting-- they seemed to do their baby thing, like gurgle and spit and put anything they could reach in their mouths. But okay, Xanxus doesn't want her to talk him out of this, clearly, he wants her to talk him through it. Not point out that babies probably trusted anybody because they were babies.]

You want to be her dad? [Luci asks, trying very hard not to point out that he's probably going to use again and that their lifestyle isn't exactly conducive to kids. If this is important to him, she'll make it important to her.] If you want to find her, let's find her. See what she wants to do, see if she's got a dad now. I mean, you don't want to completely upend this kid's life if she's happy, right?

[ To him, that baby is totally hard to gain the trust of. But it's still a baby and someone that needs looked after. That needs taken care of. ]

I had always promised myself, Luci, that if I ever had kids, I would be different. I wouldn't be like the man who raised me. And now I find out that I am more than just like him. I'm worse.

[ Yeah, he really isn't want to have her talk him out of this. He just needs to be told it's okay to actually want this sort of thing for himself. He's never really thought about kids but knowing he might have one, that changed things somehow. ]

I'm saying that I at least want to be a part of her life. Somehow. She might not be here. It's one of my memories. She might be in Italy still... I just have to keep the lie up. For the fans. For the executives. Everyone has to think this kid is something that just got revealed to me. I know you'll help with that. It'll keep her protected from them. They won't be able to use her against me. But if I can find her... I at want to know that she's happy and healthy. [ He chuckles a little. He knows he must sound so weak and pathetic, for caring about someone not himself or his band. ] But you're right. I can't just storm in and ruin her life.

Hey, you don't know, we're remembering stuff all the time Xanxus. [She rubs his head gently, fingertips massaging his scalp.] You could have been completely involved and just... haven't remembered it yet.

[Ugh, parent issues. Xanxus has them, Luci has them, they're bullshit and she won't sit on his lap and listen to him say he's worse than his dad.]

Alright. [She pats his shoulder in solidarity.] I hear you, I understand what you're saying, you know how I feel about you Xanxus. If you want to go for something, I'll help however you want me to. I'll put myself in a box to Italy if you ask me to.

[ He really hopes she's right. That he'll remember being in that girl's life. But he doesn't think so. Because he knows. He knows better than anyone where he had spent the last eight years of his life and it wasn't in a metal band. ]

Don't say that. I might ship you to Italy and never let you come back. You'd have to learn Italian and chill in my castle and turn a blind eye when I do my Godfather thing. But thanks, Luci. I mean it. Of all the fucked up things that happened, this... this takes the damn cake. And I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you here to help me keep my head.

Fuck, that sounds just awful, what a cruel thing to do to someone, let them chill in your castle in fucking Italy. [Luci snorts and rolls her eyes fondly at Xanxus. Like she'd mind a European vacation.]

You'd probably shoot more of that shit into your arm and pass out. Or do something to make us empty the bail jar again. Or run around trying to find her right this second, even though I doubt a kid is running around this late at night.

[ He laughs at that. Because yeah, it doesn't sound all that bad. In fact, this sounds utterly amazing. He would love to take Yuffie and Luci home to chill at his castle. Maybe they could make it into some band get away, come back with some awesome songs. But he can't seem to remember how to even get back to Italy. It feels like that place is galaxies away. ]

She might be in Italy. Not here. So it wouldn't matter if I ran around this whole city. They would know if I got a plane ticket... So I have to stay put and just look for her with private detectives or something.

Though Luci, you do know...I'm going to have to quit that shit right? If I'm going to be a dad, I have to get clean. I probably won't be fun company for a while while I detox. So you might have to empty that bail jar.

You tried Craigslist? [It sounds weird, but apparently that's how some people get other people to look into things on the DL-- not that she's ever tried it, but she hears it's a thing that can work if you find the right person.]

Honesty time? I really think you should. I know I've put stuff up my nose I shouldn't, so I can't talk without looking like an asshole, but this shit will kill us if we're not careful. I'll keep the jar well-stocked if you'll toss your stash. Deal?

Craigslist.... [ He hadn't thought about that. But he wonders if he could put out one for the Italian version of the site. It's definitely worth a shot. ] I'll give it a go.

[ There's a frown because he really isn't liking this idea. Though he's not going to have a choice because Squalo is going to show up out of the blue and flush his entire stash down the toilet soon. ]

I'm going to try. Try to quit. So I'm sorry. [ He never apologizes. ] I'm really sorry in advanced because I'm sure I'm going to be a raging asshole while I detox. So we got a deal. Just don't let me hurt you if I lash out while I'm jonesing.

Have you seen yourself, Xanxus? You're a human wrecking ball. [Luci snorts and ruffles his hair roughly with a grin.] But I promise, if you punch me in the face, I will punch you back twice. In the face.

[If that wasn't obvious.]

I see myself every day in the mirror. But really Luci, I mean it. I won't forgive myself if I hurt you. You're important to me. So if I try, you have to put me down, quick. Before I flare up and burn you.

[ Yeah. He's got fire tricks too. ]

Then I suppose it'll have to be a case of fighting fire-- [She snaps her fingers and lights her index finger.] --with fire.

[If someone has to keep him in check, she's the best option out of anyone. Aside from maybe Camilla, but Luci's not letting it get to that point.]

[ He watches her light her finger and grins. He holds his own hand out and after a moment, the entire thing is wreathed in a brilliant fire. So of a dick measuring match with spontaneous combustion. A normal day at Chez Carnie. ]

I'll hold you to that.

[Dammit, if it's a flame-dick-waving contest, so be it. Luci smirks, snaps both fingers and lights both her hands like stove burners.]

I'm more than fine with that.

[ We gonna play that then? We gonna play it. They're totally going to set off fire alarms because Flames meet flames. Then he laughs and it snuffs out because it's nice to have someone like Luci. ]

Thanks. I mean that. I'm real glad I got the Devil on my side for this.

[Yes, it's obviously going to be that way-- they can only be what they are, after all. Xanxus the human disaster, and Luci the human disaster in white.]

You have the Devil on your side for more than just this. I'll tell you when you're being a dumbass, don't worry about that, but when I think you have a point I will not let you let it go. Fear me.

Sorry, can't fear you. Love you to much for that.

[ Yeah, he dropped the L word, but he doesn't mean it like that. He adores her and they have great sex when it happens but she's totally his family and he'll do anything for her.[ ] ]

[Luci can read the intent easily enough, though it's shocking. 'Love' isn't actually a word that people use around her and mean it in any capacity-- aside from fans shrieking at them. She smiles and rests her forehead against his.]

I strive to inspire either one, or both.

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