interstellar90210 | They're Really More 'Dog People'...

JUNKYARD CARNIVAL HAS IT OUT FOR KITTENS?!
By Axe Barnett

After the release of their daring new single 'Bumpercar Bondage', the punk rock world was shaken to learn of Wakana "Princess" Sonozaki's dismissal from Pride Records' hottest newcomer punk band Junkyard Carnival. Rumors concerning what led to the drummer's extraction from the band known for its solidarity flew, and the band itself was quiet on why their roster was suddenly experiencing such a drastic switch up. But more importantly-- who would be tapped to replace the artist lead singer Lucifer emphatically proclaimed 'the heartbeat of the Carnival'?

The answer came. The setting: The Chartreuse Klipspringer, Monday night. Up and coming protopunk band Hate Kitten received a visit from the Carnival, but they were hardly there to enjoy the strained, warbling vocals Hate Kitten is renowned for (fans claim it's a comment on humans eternally experiencing pubescence).

"Yeah, they just came up to us at the end of the set, announced who they were, and let us have it," lead singer Dirk 'The Rambunctious' Mulligan said early Tuesday morning while nursing a bruised elbow.

"Lucifer brought a gas can, started dumping it on the floor, our equipment, and was like 'Give us your drummer or die!'" backup xylophonist Lucretia Smelts claimed.

"Actually she just threatened to set our stuff on fire, but we could have died!" Mulligan clarified. When asked for a recap of events, representatives at the Chartreuse Klipspringer responded "What gasoline?"

"Yuffie did threaten to hack our Tumblr and fill it with the same meme reposted dozens of times per hour," Smelts continued.

"And create at least four dummy Facebook accounts..." Mulligan groaned. "But I almost preferred that to how Alec didn't even look at us. He could've been planning anything!"

"And Xanxus..." At this point, bassist Motley "Mojo" Jenkins visibly shuddered, and Smelts had to take over.

"Yeah, that guy took out four cops. And if we'd had our 'gear' on us, we could've definitely taken him but... you know, Lucifer poured gasoline on it all." When asked for clarification, Mulligan responded that the group regularly carries pepper spray, brass knuckles, switchblades, and something they call 'The Trebuchet', but couldn't answer as to why they kept these things in their instrument cases if they expected to be assaulted after gigs.

But did Abigail "Fetch" Walker turn herself in to the murderous Carnies?

"Hell yes she did!" Smelts was clearly not happy about this. "What are we supposed to do without a drummer?"

This journalist reached out to Ms. Walker for comment on what Hate Kitten is supposed to do without a drummer:

"Go die in a fire."

It is this reporter's opinion that Fetch Walker was never long for a band that featured angry fluffballs on their album covers, and the latest addition to the Carnival is far from being the odd-man-out.

They're Really More 'Dog People'...

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