interstellar90210 | EVERYDAY HEROES ARE WALKING AMONG US

LOCAL HERO OPPOSES CULT LEADERS?

by N. S. Harriet

Last month, a well-known pair of bad influence, Lucifer of Junkyard Carnival and Superbia Squalo of MANTICORE, have been reportedly sighted wracking havoc in multiple clubs in the city. Reports list varying degrees of property damage, and witnesses agree that the stars definitely looked “aggressive and intoxicated”. However some juicy details of this endeavor had only become known recently.

It appears that the two had chosen the “Queen Bitch” club to perform an especially vocally intricate duet from last century’s rock opera which, according to experts, draws heavily on the ancient myths of Christianity. Several witnesses report it caused the crowd to behave strangely, and claim it was as if they were controlled by the performers’ voices.

Luckily, right when it looked like the two musicians, dressed in what would be appropriate in a BDSM dungeon, were about to put up a whole other show, the club’s security stepped in, rebutting the performer’s “glaringly obvious” passes at him and concentrating on his duty to the public. With a bit of trouble both from the rowdy stars -- or should we say, cult leaders? -- and the entranced crowd, ready to do their demonic bidding, one single man managed to put the riot in order and, according to a reliable source, toss both of them out of the club before anything else could get broken, set on fire or enslaved. Just who is this local hero?

With a bit of sniffing around, we managed to learn that it’s one of the club’s freshly hired bouncers, and that his name appears to be Jack, however nobody could tell more about him. Our reporters attempted to approach this mysterious man for an interview, however the only response Jack offered before promptly leaving was a polite “No, thank you”. It appears that this excellent citizen also has modesty to add to his growing list of virtues and merits.

We may not know much about him, but we certainly know that we feel much safer going out to party when men like him are working to ensure it. Thank you, Jack!

[ Is that a huge photograph of Connor at the bottom of the article? Bitch it might be. Even though most of his face is covered by a hood and he seems to have been turning away. ]