Mysterious Clerical Error of the Music Industry or Catastrophic Fabrication?

By Wulette D. Daugsout

Analysts of Vista City music scene have been puzzled lately and for good reason. Artolo Apemis is one of the fastest rising stars with a paycheck to match, but he is a drummer of all things. This kind of attention--and wealth--is more common for singers and guitarists.

Well, we at Vista City Arcane have done extensive research and believe we have found the reason.

Cats.

Yes, you read that right. Cats. The drummer of Crown of Thorns has been using feline fans to fund his fame. Already there have been numerous studies of what music cats like. Apemis has tapped into that special frequency with his drums to unleash their latent desire. What desire? To become a familiar to the mystically inclined. Slayer of a Thousand Fish was only the first to become his familiar.

[[ insert blatantly stolen image of Slayer "possessed" on top of the door ]]

Like all cats, they are possessive. They buy their master's merchandise and songs without abandon. Who knows where this money comes from, but cat burglary is a phrase for a reason. Pride Records sees the increase in revenue and provides him a bigger paycheck.

Now that Apemis has amassed an apartment and a growing army of cats to do his bidding, he can really sink his claws into the spotlight. Or maybe a sunny windowsill would be more fitting.

Time will only tell how high Apemis will climb with his familiars following on his heels. I will say this: Pride Record's logo has a cat.