You're So Vain~♫

[trustme]

★ Mr. Universe Thinks He's The Center of It ★
by Gabby Gums


If you haven’t heard of Defying Atmosphere’s lead Greg Universe you've probably been living in a hole. The symphonic metal singer, guitarist, and songwriter has become one of the year’s top musicians, known for his hypnotizing fantasy lyrics and his long luxurious dark hair. On stage and on Twitter he holds a reputation for being polite and professional but multiple individuals who have met him away from the spotlight have had very different stories to tell.

It seems Mr. Universe is more than just a little self absorbed and obsessed with his looks, particularly with his trademark hair. According to inside sources, Greg’s bedroom has been adorned with mirrors, and new hair product is called for daily. Grooming to look good for the paparazzi is one thing, but commanding multiple housekeeping employees and stylists to comb and brush your hair multiple times a day? –Excessive to say the least. Greg has been seen yelling at Virgo staff for offering hair products that aren't his favorite brand, lecturing employees for arriving late to his regular hair brushings, and even stopping practice sessions to break and groom himself.

The others in Defying Atmosphere aren't safe either. Sources say his bandmates have also been forced to brush Greg’s hair as punishment for poor performances. Daily, Greg commands his band to line up for inspection during which he confirms if each member’s head meets his standards. Weasel, the band’s bassist, recently left Defying Atmosphere. Rumor has it Greg disapproved of Weasel’s hair, regularly complaining in front of the rest of the band that it looked greasy. We tried to reach Weasel for a comment but to no avail. It seems Mr. Universe and his universe-sized ego chased him out of town.

Comments

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth · Nov 27 id invite you to see my mirrorchamber but im afraid it's booby trapped

Mr. Universe @universeonearth · Nov 27 the floor is lined with spikes made out of hairbrush spines #nefarious

Mr. Universe @universeonearth · Nov 27 no one will ever get to steal to all my gold-encrusted organic vegan hair gel muahahahahahahaha

[sharktrash]

S. Squalo @betterthanyou · @universeonearth good call. peasants don't get how important perfect hair is.

[ he's actually not joking either ]

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth @betterthanyou no kidding. you think i just roll out of bed with this many split ends???? come on.

[Alas, Greg doesn't know him well enough to tell.]

[sharktrash]

S. Squalo @betterthanyou · @universeonearth you can't save the world if you can't save yourself from split ends tho #stepupyourgame

[ ...he can tell. fine then, playing along. ]

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth @betterthanyou havent you been keeping up, i traded my superheroism for an endless parade of combs at all hours. no time for anything else.

[sharktrash]

S. Squalo @betterthanyou · @universeonearth a tough choice but someone had to do it.

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth @betterthanyou i think everyone can agree on this decision

[sharktrash]

S. Squalo @betterthanyou · @universeonearth Nah, I'm happier without split ends. I totally support you though.

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth @betterthanyou i bear this burden so you don't have to

[nibelungvalesti]

Lenneth @lennethdefyatmos · Nov 27 @universeonearth You can tell they are trying too hard when they pick on your hair length over mine. #anklelength

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth · Nov 27 @lennethdefyatmos it'd be way more plausible if they claimed i was trying to copy your look

[nibelungvalesti]

Lenneth @lennethdefyatmos · Nov 27 @universeonearth You have no idea how to braid hair, do you.

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth · Nov 27 @lennethdefyatmos like a ponytail but lumpier

[nibelungvalesti]

Lenneth @lennethdefyatmos · Nov 27 @universeonearth You hurt my soul.

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth · Nov 27 @lennethdefyatmos (ps you know i'm kidding right)

Mr. Universe @universeonearth · Nov 27 @lennethdefyatmos (you can't survive with hair this long without managing a decent three-strand)

[nibelungvalesti]

Lenneth @lennethdefyatmos · Nov 27 @universeonearth No need to tell me, but you look better with it free.

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth · Nov 27 @lennethdefyatmos it's a metaphor for my life #freethehairfreeyourlife

[scalpedsociety]

💮TAMARA💮 @daturapiano · Nov 27 @universeonearth I can't blame you there. #yourhairisbeautiful #teachmeyourwayssensei

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth @daturapiano only those truly dedicated can follow the follicle path. come to me when you are sure you are ready. #hairzen

[scalpedsociety]

💮TAMARA💮 @daturapiano @universeonearth The path of hair is no joke.

[panspermia]

Mr. Universe @universeonearth @daturapiano few understand the power within their own scalps. fewer still are ready to harness it.