Shocking Connection! The Truth Behind Ivan Karelin's Feud With Keith Goodman

Photograph by Avi Kokirri

A feudal-era feud continues to the present day

They're blonder than Goldilocks and Rapunzel put together, but Ivan and Keith are about as Japanese as they come.

Well, maybe that's an exaggeration. But certainly they're more Japanese than you might think.

The almost-forgettable Ivan Karelin surfaced in the public eye as a member of the progressive classical pop band Flowers Over Bones last summer. Considering that he's clearly a Caucasian guy in Japanese-style clothes playing a shamisen in a band otherwise comprised of traditional Western instruments, it's a wonder that people miss him so easily, but we'll get back to that later.

For a couple of months, Ivan held the title of Major Label Musician With the Most Obnoxiously Obscure Instrument until Keith Goodman of the pretentious indie folk group Hue & Cry hit the scene wielding a theremin. Contrary to what his last name would suggest, Keith is a pretty bad boy. While he still has a ways to go, witnesses have reported an altercation at an industry party involving alcohol. (Two words: MIDORI BOOOOMMMB!) The two have yet to openly clash again, but the animosity between them is as palpable as steel.

At first brush, such a rivalry seems about as newsworthy as announcing that both the sky and the sea seem to be of a color approaching blue. But a devoted fan of Ivan Karelin, going by the pseudonym Sakura Shamisen, claims to have unearthed potential connections between the two that would explain dislike on first sight.

"It's easy to miss this, because it's so well-hidden in plain sight," said Sakura. "But Ivan isn't wearing all that fancy Japanese stuff for show. He actually is of Japanese descent. If you investigate his ancestry far enough, you'll find that he claims his heritage from the Okamoto samurai clan of Edo, now known as Tokyo. They were famous in their era for their skill in the art of ninjutsu, supposedly enabling them to hide from view — even if they were standing right in front of you. At least one Okamoto clansmen had such a natural gift for hiding that accounts say he had to really concentrate to make sure he could be seen."

That seems to explain Ivan's apparent penchant for so easily fading into the background. But what does this have to do with Keith "All-Americanan Bad Boy" Goodman?

"He's actually Japanese too," Sakura said. "Again, it goes far back, practically all the way to around the Meiji era. I almost couldn't find it because it was so well-buried. But he's descended from the Inoue samurai clan, who were notorious rivals to the Okamotos. Absolutely vicious. There's a reason most history books don't mention them — it's widely believed that they wiped each other from existence in their fighting. But clearly there were survivors from both sides, hoping to continue the conflict another day, no matter how long that day might take."

When asked about the chances of the two samurai descendants escalating their conflict to a new battlefield, Sakura continued, "Absolutely. Why do you think Ivan displays his Japanese heritage like he does? He was trying to seek out his family's most hated rival to settle things once and for all. Maybe now they're battling on less lethal terms, but that doesn't make it any less substantial.

"If Ivan ever needs a second, though," added Sakura, flipping her scarf over her shoulder, "he has his first volunteer right here."

Text by

i_am_not_cute; photoshopped picture by

sponsorigami